Wednesday, September 08, 2004

(2 of 8) Boobie Prize

(In which you begin to suspect you may be so unlucky as to have been awarded 2 freaks in a row)

Not quite. Tongue entered, probed for 3 seconds and then quickly retreated. You had vague, defuncty thoughts but then decided he was probably as unsure and baffled as you were. And you liked him not pushing it. All was well. He said goodbye with a firm kiss on your lips. Well done.

This chronology now gets a bit blurry. You met for the next couple of days and there was neck kissing, chewing and biting but no proper kiss. There may have been some ass grabbing too. Now, you have this theory. If things start off on the wrong foot sexually, regardless of the level, forget it. Drop him. Run screaming into the night. (Addendum to theory: if he’s a bad kisser, forget it. Drop him. Run screaming into the night. He’ll make you regret your biblical proclivities.) But this wasn’t quite the case, was it? There was good chemistry, wasn’t there? But it made you wonder why in hell he was taking his sweet time with your lips and not with some other bits of you.

And then came the wondrous moment when, at yet another outside café, in context and lightning-fast, he cupped your breast. Wham bam thank you Mam. Mind you, you find this kind of cheeky behaviour may even be a small turn on after some level of intimacy has been reached. For you - and you were under the impression that the same was true for the rest of the femalehood - it does all begin with the kiss. Context or no context, what the fuck? Words to that effect as you punched his arm. “What, I’m not allowed to touch your breasts?” ???? Alarm bells going off in every direction. How do you explain the basics to a 40-year-old? You refused to believe the bells because, funnily enough, you never went for the dirty bastards, the fucked-up ones. You never tried to save them, you never cared for them, you couldn’t care less about their whining tortured souls. You LOATHE tortured souls. You DESPISE whiners. So you couldn’t quite believe that life would throw you 2 freaks in a row despite your best efforts and best behaviour. In the car later he looked at you and smiled. He leaned over to kiss you. (Oh normalcy!) He tweaked your nipple.

Enter: “OUCH! What was that for? You keep hitting me!” “What the hell is wrong with you??? You won’t kiss me but my breasts are yours for the taking?” “So what are you saying? Your breasts are off-limits?” “I’m saying you can’t just go for it and expect me to be alright al about it!” Enter long monologue on how there is no rule for this, how it all depends on the situation and the woman, on how it was obvious he was leaning in to kiss you (the breast distracted him?). Enter your becoming so confused - you had been out of practice after all, and what with the Defunct and all… - that you sounded out your girlfriends and conducted an anonymous inquiry in a chat room you sometimes go to. No, no he didn’t!, not normal, he did what?!, guy’s a freak, he did what?!

You knew he had a different outlook on life. 1) He swaps girlfriends with his buddies. I.e., they’re not taboo once the relationship is over. You, your girlfriends’ men are dickless as far as you’re concerned and they never miraculously regain penises even after the relationship has ended. It would be incestuous. It would be like having something with your girlfriends. The mere idea gives you the creeps. Thou shall not share sperm. Seriously. Which reminds you, 2) He does not use a condom. !!!! That right there leaves him having sex with you in his mind only. But it is a scary thing in this day and age, especially when you consider that 3) He is absolutely neurotic/phobic regarding cleanliness. He’s a fusser. He cannot comprehend how you can lay the dog’s leash on the ground and then pick it up (you suggested he started wearing latex gloves around the clock because of money bills which are as bacteria-full as you could possibly imagine even though that doesn’t seem to bother him.). He has a problem with pets in general (good luck with you then). And he keeps pointing out people that look like “proletarians” (you don’t much care about the look yourself but it gets to be annoying especially when things pointed out are, in fact, perfectly normal).

Now in your defence it must be said that it became pretty clear during those first days that here was someone whom you could never have a serious relationship with. But he kissed you right. He touched you right. You have been horny as hell. You have been unlucky as hell in bed. You’ve had a fair share of fumblers. Your most liberal friend tells you you need to start preparing the 40’s Notebook (i.e. uncomplicated men you call up when in need of a shag). Why not have some fun.

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