Wednesday, September 08, 2004

(3 of 8) The Penis Monologues

[In which you find that blablabla, blablablablabla.]

So you go to the movies. (King Arthur, *shudder*. Worth it only because of Ioan Gruffud, that sexy sexy wonder that makes verbs like “grind” pop into your head). And you leaned over to use his shirt to wipe your glasses. And he seized the day and kissed you. He didn’t touch your breast. He tongue-kissed you and very hormonally so. You were both stunned. Euphoria galore.

Enter car conversation (and here you cringe) when he addresses kissing issue. You have no recollection of it but apparently, right after the neck kissing and biting on the first day and before the tongue-probing, you said you couldn’t stand men who will just stick their tongues down your oesophagus. You have used it in the past as a metaphor for men with no finesse (the afore-mentioned fumblers). You have no recollection of saying it then but sadly it is a sentence you recognise. Are you mad? Whyever did you...? Oh for fuck’s sake. Despite all he mastered all his courage - he says - and tried to kiss you but your teeth were clenched. (No they weren’t) (Yes they were) (No they weren’t) (You'll spare us the rest)

It is now obvious you have a clash of insecurities from both sides. Long discussion ensues regarding teeth clenching, tongue-probing, blahblah. Breast is roped into it but you put a stop to that (they are to be savoured, not bloody dissected). Issue cleared and settled. Heavy snogging session then follows, in the car, outside your door, interrupted only when your being pulled into his lap released the emergency break and the car rolled forward and bumped into another one with a scary crunch. Not even as a teenager did you do something like this. There's hope yet. Plus he finds your kisses "deeply sensuous". Did you hear that?

Fast-forward. You don’t kiss on the street (thank God, you don’t really want the world to know you have something) but you do in movies theatres and - oh no, another crisis. He comes over for dinner and you have this monologue re your “relationship” (oh, and kissing but let’s not go there again please). After much word-throwing, hesitating and rephrasing (and he can just go on and on) you lose patience (you never have much to start with) and say “You’re worried about what I might want from this. Well, obviously I expect to be walking down the aisle towards you 6 months from now.” He laughs (a freak he may be but stupid he's not). You say “It may come as a shocker but the last thing I want is to have a serious relationship with you. We’re together when we feel like it, we kiss when we feel like it, I’m not thinking about what may/will be, do us both a favour and do the same, I think we can agree I will not be walking down the aisle towards you in six month. Hell, not even in six centuries!” (Your bluntness gets in the way of your sensitivity) “That’s not very nice, is it? That kills off the possibility that you might, ever!” the asshole says. Why would you ever??? You're not mad. You're not desperate. You like yourself. You would kill each other in no time. “Oh for fuck’s sake, fine, let’s say there is a remote possibility that I might be walking down the aisle at some point, now just quit it, I cannot listen to you going on and on about something that isn’t there!” Silence. Them he says “Don’t you have to marry a Jewish guy, anyway” “Exactly, so shut up already!” He shut up and kissed you and broke the kiss only for a moment to mumble “Did you remember to post the invitations” which made you laugh so that was finely handled.


His sense of humour is a bit scatological at times but mostly you like it. But damn it, he can just go on and on and on about things. Why? Why???

6 Comments:

Blogger @Joker@ said...

Hi there;
I've read some snippets from your blog and the truth is that i like it a lot. feels as if i'm watcing the Sex and the City. i think you are very talented, maybe you should try writing a script or a book. keep up the good work, i'm looking forward for more.

2:48 pm  
Blogger Bluo said...

Todah, it feels that way to me too, except it's all happening to me and not quite as amusing. As for a script, good one, maybe that will pay for all the therapy.

10:16 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With all these public places' sexual activities, the guy has serious intimacy problems.I'm sure you know that. Are you keeping him for scientific curiosity?

12:31 pm  
Blogger Bluo said...

Dear Anonymous:

Please define "sexual activities in public places". There were no sexual activities in public places! There would be no sexual activities in public places! There won't be any sexual activities in public places! It's not my style. I don't see why you should think he has issues. Doesn't he seem perfectly normal to you? Scientific curiosity, that must be it. How could one resist the natives?

12:55 pm  
Blogger Bluo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Heavy snogging session then follows, in the car, outside your door, interrupted only when your being pulled into his lap released the emergency break and the car rolled forward and bumped into another one with a scary crunch."

D here. Again. That just made me laugh out loud.

I'm agreeing with the Joker, this would make a good script.

9:13 pm  

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