Wednesday, September 08, 2004

(4 of 8) Could you lick your nipples please?

[In which you realise you haven't seen it all but wish you had]

Days of hanging out in movie theatres and outside cafes followed. So much so that you are getting tired of it. You both have your own flats! He has yet to invite you to come round - but then he does. You go.


You’re watching a movie (interrupted by snogging sessions from the couch to the floor where, I might add, bacteria seem to be of the good kind because there was no sound from him) (oh, other than moaning which was quite nice considering the Defunct) and all of a sudden he says “Want to stay over?” This is a bit of ironic (Alanis, if you’re reading this, unlike the fly bit, this actually IS ironic.) because you have spent the past few months begging for a shag and a kiss (more the latter actually) and here the opportunity presents itself and YOU PANICK! Your mind stops working.


You happen to very much want to sleep with a man, you’re not sure about the sex though. You play for time. You negotiate. “Do I get pyjamas?” “Well I sleep in the buff,” (oh no!) ” but I can get you some” “Socks?” (sorry but you're always cold) “No no no, no socks! Wrap your feet around mine, I’ll keep you warm.” Sucker is convinced, who can resist that? So off you go. This happened while you were having trouble sleeping, which would also give you a fabulous reason for disappearing if things took a turn to the worse. You get ready for bed like an old married couple. You are scared shitless. Humping, who can remember???


You are praying he will not pull the old “Let -me-grab-your-hand-and-force-it-onto-my-gland”, always a charmer. This is not Sex and The City or, better put, you are not Samantha. You have your own timing. You don’t swoon with joy at the prospect of a new penis. New penises are a hassle. What, you need this? The thing just springs at you. Toing! And how do they like to be touched? Again, you’re no Samantha but there’s your “gently, I’m very sensitive, butterfly wings would scar me for life” type; your “bring it on sister, tie some knots, pro-ceed with no fear!” type; your silent type (defunct-wise) which is the pits, because there you are trying your best not to be remembered as a fumbler yourself and there’s no sound, worse, NO TWITCH, coming from the guy and you feel ridiculous and wonder if he’s fallen asleep or is just very, very bored (silent types also have a dismaying tendency to suddenly yell “Watch out!” and there you have your very own protein-filled moment, “Happiness”-style).


(You won’t get started on blowjobs. You remember when you forced a boyfriend to swallow his own sperm so he could see how it is NOT God’s gift to women. He actually gagged, almost vomited, but he assures you he’s now much more appreciative of everything involved.)


So you go to bed and he’s wearing boxers (thank you God) and you start kissing and buttons get undone and all of a sudden you hear a husky voice begging “Lick your nipples”. You stare at him like he’s gone mad. The man is actually looking at them, what can he be thinking? Insane dialogue follows “Excuse me?” “I’d really love to watch you lick your nipples.” “I’m sure you would but see, here’s the problem: this is not an American porn film! Look at my boobies, they’re a 36! How on earth do you expect me to lick my nipples even if I wanted to?” Kodak moment: he grabs your head from the back and starts bending your neck forward, gently but painfully so, as he stretches your left boob upward, gently but painfully so, but never the two shall meet as far as you're concerned. You do have a long neck but seriously this is ridiculous! What's so fucking sexy about licking your own nipples? It's a turn off! Men are supposed to lick your nipples! They have been most obliging in the past and everyone was left much happier for it.


This is a trend: Defunct didn't care for foreplay (oh but you know exactly why!), this one expects you to take care of it for him. Not good. Plus you broke a vertebra once, wore a neck brace forever and do not take kindly to neck acrobatics. Plus the whole thing is so fucking unappetising you know that even if it were anatomically comfortable there would still be no self-nipple-licking in your future. “If only you would really stick out your tongue.” He really, really said it. “NO!” ”But it would turn me on…” Lame ass. “I’m sure it would, try and lick your own for kicks.” (Surprisingly, your acerbic sense of humour is not universally acclaimed.) “Well, Marilyn Manson had a few ribs removed so he could suck his own cock.” "There you go then, problem solved.”


[Hint: if you’re trying to seduce someone bringing up MM while in bed is not the best way to accomplish it.] [Then again, maybe you're trying NOT to seduce someone in which case it is very effective. But more of that later.]


(Soap will resume shortly. You need to go and not think about your life for a while.)

8 Comments:

Blogger Cori said...

I love this!!

6:59 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Outstanding!You met the NECK-BREAKER and survived to tell the story. Keep your neck and nipples safe.

10:25 am  
Blogger rabbi milkblood said...

HE WAS JUST CAUGHT IN THE PERFORMANCE GRIND. NEXT WEEK HE'LL COVER A ALBINO IN COFFEE GROUNDS. ALL TO BE MEMORABLE. MORE AND MORE I'VE SEEN HOW WHEN THERE ISN'T PASSION AND/OR AGGRESSION TO MOVE THE MUSCLES CORRECTLY, SAD, SILLY SURROGATES FOR KINK INVADE. NEXT TIME THE NEXT MISTER TRIES TO BEND YOUR NECK FORWARD YOU SHOULD HIT HIM WITH AN OPEN HAND AND MAKE HIM DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT HIM TO DO. THAT WAY YOU'LL GET HIS ATTENTION AND, PERHAPS MORE IMPORTANTLY, BE FORCED TO FIGURE OUT JUST WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.

1:28 am  
Blogger Bluo said...

To the shocked readership: I feel I must come to his -and mine - defence lest you think he's a psycho and I am beyond stupid. Neck thing wasn't scary. It wasn't painful either (it justs reads better that way). The whole thing lasted a moment (a memorable one). Mostly, it felt ridiculous. I don't mind that he tried to get me to do it (we're not talking golden shower here - and even if we were, just say no). I.e. if you don't tell the other what you like don't whine bcs he doesn't guess it. I didn't want to do it and he accepted it with good grace. No power struggle there. And R., I do know what I want. And most importantly, what I don't want is crystal clear. As you will see, when i get around to writing it.

2:24 am  
Blogger Bluo said...

Anon.: NOW I know who you are! :DDD Little Shrimp, I, the Thoothsayer, foresee... a limp-dicked Brazilian singer with low self-esteem in your future. How do you like that, wiseass.

11:52 am  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

hilarious blog!

I have also been w/ someone who wanted me to lick my own nipples. I'm a B cup, so that's anatomically impossible. I would have smacked him across the mouth if he tried to push my head down!

11:46 pm  
Blogger Bluo said...

I find that in situations that really leave me gobsmacked I lose my ability to react right away (so I aggravate myself for hours afterwards thinking of all the brilliant sarcastic sentences I should have used). This one wasn't even worth a slap, he just showed me how to reach them after I'd said it couldn't be done (it could). I actually think the thought would never have entered my mind. Life would be bleaker. I am not afraid of slapping faces or penises if occasion warrants it, as a matter of fact I have in the past. This was sad, not bad.

4:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

D again.

I don't get the whole nipple licking thing. In my case, yeah, I can reach them since gravity has made them extremely flexible. But what's the point?

Oh, look, I can shove my breast into my mouth. Wow. What a turn on.

Because seriously? If licking our own nipples was a turn-on, why would we need anyone in the bed with us?

9:19 pm  

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