Friday, September 10, 2004

(5 of 8) No, I like my pubic hair but thanks for asking.

[In which you have a bed hair day]

You did end up going home. You’d talked about how you might, considering you've been working till really late and your sleeping patterns have changed, and it soon became obvious that cuddling and assuming sleeping positions wasn’t taking you anywhere. After much creaking and stretching trying to leave the bed without waking him up - which he’d said you wouldn’t so not to worry - you hear a mumbled “youcan’tsleep” “no, I can’t, I’m going home” ”waitI’lldriveyou” “no, it’s fine, go back to sleep”. You live 5 min from his house on foot. But sweet. The Defunct would have said (in fact, did) “sorry, got to wake up early tomorrow, would love to take you but if I move now I’ll never fall asleep”. Pig. You left after he’d pulled you down so he could kiss you.

But an alarming episode had occurred earlier on in the kitchen. For some obscure reason the conversation drifted toward pubic hair. You can’t explain how it happened, you’re just fucking sure you didn’t start it. It turns out he shaves his pubic hair. He does what??? “Well you see, the first time I was with a woman who shaved I felt so embarrassed, I decided I was going to start doing it too.” “… Er… But why? Why should you be embarrassed?” And this was the unforgettable answer: “It’s not nice to get hair caught between your teeth.” He then smiles engagingly. “I’d be happy to shave you.” “Ha. I’m sure you would. It’s not going to happen. Ever.” “No, you don’t understand, it looks much nicer! Here, let me show you.” And the one-man-freak-show-2 starts unzipping his pants! “Wowwowow, WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” “Just showing you the top, don’t freak out.”

This is the situation as far as you could grasp it: apparently, pubic hair was misguidedly created. It gets in the way. Literally. In the alien universe he and his kind inhabit people are impaired because of the sheer weight of all the pubic hair trapped between their teeth, up their nose, obstructing their oropharynx and covering their tonsils. Rampant genital hypertrichosis. This bare lady, the honourable pioneer, obviously pushed a button that was dying to be activated because normal people don’t just start shaving out of shame. FYI, he doesn’t actually shave. He trims. Or rather, he keeps it short enough for it not to be in the way, as it were, and long enough for it not to itch. And you should know, you got to see it when he unzipped the top. He even bought one of those machines you see in vet clinics just for that. A fucking connoisseur.

In your universe, people go down on each other and occasionally you have to spit out the odd hair. You’re not sure how familiar he is with male and female anatomy. You are convinced, though, that it has come to his attention that men DO NOT HAVE hair on their penises and even the balls are quite bald when compared to the above pubic hair - which, incidentally, is called that because it grows in the pubic region. Not the penile region. Not the scrotal region. Females, as far as you know, do not have hair-covered clits or minor labia but you understand how it might be trickier, it’s all sort of grouped together. Still. You live in a country where many women are dark and hairy. You’ve seen your share of naked women and even though many are somewhat bushy - and no you’re not - it’s nothing to run screaming from. Unlike this guy. And still you didn’t. (Why? Still cutting native customs some slack?) You can only assume he’s done his share over the years with eyes shut tight and a prayer in his heart for her quick orgasm (which you can also only assume didn’t happen because the whole going at it doesn’t bode well).

Not that you can picture him actually being comfortable with oral sex. He’s so bloody phobic, how could he possibly be comfortable with bodily fluids. “What is this, you’re WET? How dare you. Go wash yourself this minute.” You might just point out Jewish Orthodoxy as his predestined existence, that way he’d be able to avoid touching the woman in any way whatsoever during her period - you can’t really picture him having a go at her while she’s fucking bleeding like a pig *gagging sounds*, can you.

The sad irony is you actually think it could be an incredibly sexy thing if you’re with a guy you fancy and he says “I’ve got some whipped cream spray, how about we rearrange the landscape”. It could be hot but all potential hotness fucking evaporates when you get this notion that your bush may just not be kosher and how can you roam the earth like that, have you no shame.

He fucking kills you? You fucking kill me.


Blogger Bluo said...

Being a bit of a bimbo, as it seems, I actually managed to delete this post while doing maintenance (!). Because I'd saved everything, I was able to post it again and these were the comments (I think this was it, my doc is a bit garbled, sorry if I unwillingly sent anyone into oblivion):

Cori ( said...
6:54 PM

Anonymous said...
Do you guys really always say "Bloody, bugger off, and bollocks" all the time? Just wondering. I dont know any Brits, just from movies and "Are you being served" re-runs.
10:30 PM

Bluo said...
Dearest Anonymous, I am not a Brit but my English education is and I can assure that you are seriously mistaken. Brits don't swear, ever! Cor, whyever would you think that???

(Anonymous ones everywhere, at least be so original as to come up with an alias, preferably a funny one. This nothingness gets pretty tiresome.)
11:16 PM

little eyes ( said...
Guys who shave everything...blech, yuck, no thanks! it looks so weird. Keeping the hairs trimmed and groomed is okay, but all out shaving isn't attractive to me.

Usually pubic hair becomes a topic of conversation when we're *actually* having sex.
11:50 PM

no milk ( said...
i shave my pubes because it makes my 2 inch dick look like it's 2 1/4 inches. plus, it makes it harder to get crabs, they've got nuthin to hold on too.
2:24 PM

Bluo said...
Funny! It's all starting to make sense, don't like no short-dick man and all that. As for crabs, if he ever got any I'm pretty sure he'd top himself. You're a far braver man.
2:55 PM

little eyes ( said...
nomilk, lol!!!
8:59 PM

EJ ( said...
I just started reading. You are GREAT!! I have shaved/been shaved. Didn't much care for it and have no plans to ever do it again. Why do I need to be a porn star for him to get off???? I like the natural look.

Can't wait for parts 6, 7 & 8!!!
8:34 PM

Nighthawk Rock ( said...
i like this blog.

6:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

D here. Again.

I did the shaving thing once. I was extremely bored one morning at 3 AM and decided, hey, WTF?

Biggest mistake I'd ever made. The itchiness, the redness, the yikes what was I thinking?

Now, it's not to say it couldn't be interesting if it came up as a topic of fun things to try with one another, like you mentioned. That might be interesting.

But to start whipping out his penis in the middle of the kitchen? Um, no, weird. That does give the idea that "Hey, you have pubic hair. That's just horrible."

Bloody men.

9:25 pm  
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